The last few weeks I’ve had a virus. It’s properly sucked and I’ve felt so ill, a lot. I thought it had begun to get better but turns out its now spread to my ears and I feel soooo rough, not to mention dizzy and spinny. I won’t go into the details right now but I do just need to share one thing I just realised. This entire time I’ve found it impossible to properly rest. I’ve been constantly slightly on edge or slightly stressed, apart from when I manage to sleep a bit during the day. I’ve mainly been horizontal but in that horizontal, I’ve been on guard and unable to relax completely.
It then occurred to me. It’s because I need to be ‘on it’ to look after myself. I can’t completely let go and be completely restful and ill like I need to be because who will make tea, cook food, ensure there’s even food in the house, wash up, clean up, do my washing? I’ve felt in such conflict because 99% of my being has felt like utter death but that 1% has been on fire and alert to ensure I’m safe and looked after and as nurtured as possible. In a desperate attempt to mother myself I’ve ended up constantly stressed and unable to properly rest. Truth is, if I were to fully be with how my body was feeling – which I need to do in order to heal – I’d be completely horizontal for a few days and literally not manage doing anything else apart from rest.
I don’t ask for help that much because its not something that I really know how to do. Or more like the stress of it and the potential loveliness, feels too much and my tolerance for being ill and keeping on looking after myself at home alone is so freakin’ high. I also feel such guilt and all the other trashy feelings that come with it. But this evening it suddenly clicked that now is the time and so I text a couple of friends – one asking if they’d do my shopping and the other to see if she fancies coming round to cook some soup but turns out she’s outta town. I posted a notice on a Facebook community board of a group I sometimes go to, seeing if anyone would be up for doing shopping in case my other friend can’t.
This is huge. This, I have a feeling, is such a healing thing for me to do in the bigger picture sense.
The truth is also that right now I don’t actually feel like I can do anything else apart from ask for some support. I feel so ill it’s horrible and I need some help. I can’t always be my own super duper champion mom. The fact I can 90% of the time is fucking beautiful, but I have a feeling that Health means that other 10% of the time someone holds your hand through it too. One person or ten people, just that they are meeting that need to be held (metaphorically and literally) a bit. I’m so used to battling on on my own but actually, I don’t think life works like that anymore. Today it’s at another level and I feel desperate. I of course have felt this before but because it’s in my head, there’s an added desperation of literally not being with it. And that’s why constantly needing to look after myself and be a bit ‘with it’ is proving really fucking hard, and I can’t do it anymore.
I used to think the feelings that came up and the feelings I would have to deal with if I asked for help in this way, made doing so not worth it, but today I’m willing to give it a chance. Oh that makes me cringe.
But perhaps knowing someone is there to pick up food, cook something, make a cup of tea, means I can actually truly let go and rest, and consequently heal? I’ll let you know.