Labrynthitis, BPPV…Chronic Fatigue? Or One Thing After A-Fucking-Nother Syndrome?

It’s not right, this physical thing. I’m desperate to feel angry with what’s going on physically, but that just feels too tiring. Instead I feel desperate. I feel like THIS SHOULDN’T BE HAPPENING. This can’t be happening. I can’t CONTINUOUSLY feel so so ill. It literally is one thing after another. One fucking thing after a-fucking-nother. One week it’s a bed-bounding virus, then the next week it is still there, then the next week it’s intense dizziness and weakness (thought to be labrynthitis) and still the virus, then the next week I wake to inSANE vertigo that leaves me completely bed ridden for another week, and don’t even get me started on the weeks before. The entire year before. When I look at the picture – which I rarely do because if I look anywhere outside of this current moment, I freak out about just how physically I struggle and have been continuously this entire time – I realise that this whole time, something chronic is going on. It’s never just a passing thing. It’s something that is sticking around to mark it’s fucking territory, for me to get to know it and for me to get to know myself in it. (This self discovery and constant learning thing is a load of bullshit.)

Labrynthitis and BPPV (benign positional p… vertigo) are chronic things that stick around for a while. But how can I have room for ANOTHER CHRONIC THING when everything else just feels chronic too? Surely there isn’t space in my body, my being, my mind, my soul, for another fucking thing to be here too? Surely I get a little break to be able to live with just my chronic fatigue, just the healing I’m trying to do? I just started a fucking JOB. Two shifts in and I have to call in sick. Just when I thought things were getting a bit better.

I just get so fucking used to it, that I forget that what I’m experiencing in my body isn’t normal. Not that there is such a normal, but normal in the sense that I should go to the doctors. That other people, without chronic fatigue, would go to the doctors. I just get used to getting on with things, because that’s the only way I can live my life. Surely someone can’t always feel ill? Surely someone can’t always have something going on with them physically? But surely what I’m feeling is true.

Chronic fatigue has zapped my trust in my symptoms. I just put it down to that. But then I read posts from people, facebook groups and feeds from people with both these things – labrynthitis and bppv – and I realise that they are describing my symptoms down to a T. Literally. And in the feeds are a lot of comments about it flaring up chronic fatigue, too. So, jackpot, that’s why I feel like absolute death and so weak and exhausted and ‘like the old days’ in amongst this…maybe it’s NOT the chronic fatigue. Maybe that’s part of the picture but it’s the background. The focus is the two things making my entire world a dizzy theme park. But how can I have these things when I just last week, had something else? How how how? Surely bodies don’t work like that? Surely my body can’t just continuously be having something chronic?

I feel desperate. I just want to not have one thing, for a day. I want to not be navigating my way through this physical theme park, armed with WD-40, spanners, spare bits of wood, duck tape…I want to navigate my way through my physical theme park and get to ride the rides for fun. I want to ride life without having to ALWAYS be fixing myself, fixing my body, looking after my body so dedicatedly, and most of all – having to look out for my body so much.

I want to sit down and write a blog post and not worry about how it’s going to fuck me up afterwards. I want to do the washing up knowing it won’t be my energy expenditure for the afternoon. I want to not have to continuously be working out what I have the energy for, rationing my energy throughout the day, working out constantly what’s too much – not replying to friends because a text message is too much, not tidying my room for a week because just feeding myself is too much. Normally I hold this constant awareness and measuring of my energy expenditure for chronic fatigue, but this time it’s for labrynthitis and bppv. I want, most of all, to not just feel as though my body is falling apart. I want to feel as though it’s getting a chance to heal.

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