Healing. “What a load of old shit.”

This evening I had a wave of my ‘what the fuck am I doing…’ within my tsunami of healing that has been happening the last few days. Don’t even get me started. Now that it’s easing, I think I actually visited hell, made a camp and kipped there. Not that I could sleep. It was too hot and smelly.

Anyways, in this little large dump of self doubt and loathing of the process, I realised it was my inner hipster and my inner teen that had something to say about this. They are wondering what the FUCK I’m doing – where my once cool self went. Why I now just wanna hang out with self absorbed losers, and how I now see them as NOT that and I actually see them as people on a journey. People just like me. People that I once used to run a freakin’ mile from, are now people that I wanna call up at 11pm and say – fuck life is overwhelming. I’m not wanting to call up, hang out, get to know all the people I’ve felt this way about – fuck no. Tie dye hippies, yoghurt weaving spiritual nuts, are still a million miles off my To Befriend list (insert what-a-hippy-childhood-does-to-you here). But I’m talking people in therapy. People on the rollercoaster of self discovery. People delving into themselves and their pain, and getting to know it. Sharing it. Hating it. Freaking out about it. Running a mile from it, only to then turn round and run back and learn to love it.

These people I used to think were self obsessed losers and selfish twats. Come hang out with the cool kids. Stop hanging out with your past and the demons or fuckwits from it. Lets just go surfing, you big therapy loving loser. Let’s look at the bigger problems in the world and stop festering around in your own shit. There are way more important things in life and people, trees, animals, that need your attention – not yourself.

But now, I’m one of them. And despite the pain and the turmoil, I could not imagine life in any other way. It just feels like the logical way of living. Why the hell would you NOT want to do this for yourself? Why the hell would you not want to heal?

Well, my hipster and teen certainly have something to say about ‘why not’. These are the two cartoons I did:

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And it reminded me of my favourite old person on TV:

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5 thoughts on “Healing. “What a load of old shit.”

  1. This made me think of a quote from Steven Winterburn: “Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.”

    I went through a period where I was part of a culture in which people were proud of their problems. I was horrendously broken, but it was OK because I was surrounded by horrendously broken people. We were COOL, right? Only the problem was that deep down, I WANTED to get fixed. These people were content to remain broken and live in their broken subculture. They had no intention of fixing themselves, and it was having a net negative effect on me, on them, on everything.

    Once I broke free from that nightmare, I started actually trying to fix myself. It’s been a lonely road, it’s been a difficult journey and I’m not at the end of it yet, but I know that I would never go back to being that “cool and broken” guy surrounded by assholes.

    • I loved that quote so much! I find my self doubt and self analysing or questioning and WORRYING about myself, where I’m headed and ‘what’s up’ dramatically changes depending on who I’m hanging out with and have in my life. It’s definitely an art – picking friends and loved ones – but one that with a bit of age and self love, begins to become easier and more perfected. And also not too. Relationships are bizarre (I’m talking friendships), and always bring learning. Just sometimes I don’t want the learning! I want the fun nice and friendly bits. But, unfortunately that’s not how deep friendships work – there always has to be some shitty, sticky bits!

  2. LOL. Does seem like we are “rolling around in the old shit” as we are discussing the journey doesn’t it? But isn’t that the manure that provides essential food for nourishment to spring forth? Is this the drudgery we trudge through until we “rise up smelling like a daisy?” At what point do we rise up, wipe it off or hose down to emerge clean? An essential part of healing is the revisiting of the manure pile to get better clarity of the issue at hand whether it be psychological, addiction or a chronic pain thing. It’s even essential for cancer as we all get a chance to map our new lives and rework our routes toward a new direction. Eschewing old goals is an important step as we formulate new ones, and some analysis of the journey is crucial in the re-direction. We of course attract like-minded others at this point, yes some belly-button gazers, but others who really want to find some answers to get through the process more quickly and not just whine. And some, who seek inspiration. And others who are so afraid of the process themselves seek to suck off others’ journey experiences by buying the cures. After we’ve trudged through the shit, we are much better at ascertaining which person or idea is mucking in the low level of rich manure vs. which has refined its use for growth. And we get even quicker at moving beyond it –that process–and then ultimately form different attractions. Part of being stuck in the muck is when we get caught up in making value-judgments about our predicaments and struggle not to make them. Then we constantly attract others who either judge us or are desperately struggling not to judge themselves. A flare-up or relapse gives us the opportunity to reevaluate our self judgments once more.

    But, oh how much easier it would be for us to call it something else than judging ourselves with being “stuck in the shit” again. And hence we’re back in the cycle of shit, ahem, the cycle of life.

    I can relate to the being surrounded by the cool and broken people who have not experienced chronic debilitating pain since an early age, and yes will welcome into the circle of the cool and “fixed” people who have learned that the ultimate key to being fixed, is to stop looking for a fix.

    I look forward to reading more of your posts!

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