There’s something unfair about being stuck in bed with a prolapsed motherfucking disc. There’s something unfair about it being here after a virus, Labrynthitis, and vertigo. All in the space of six weeks. And, the latter two are still around. Mothertruckers.
Unfairness is a weird one, especially when I’m feeling angry at the world. Or full of all this healthy wild rage that’s kicking around my system at the moment. I don’t often get swimming in this emotion but when the unfairness train swings by and I get on it and fly along so fast, I suddenly wonder how the hell I haven’t been on it sooner. I wonder why I spend so much time just ‘accepting’ what’s going on and working with it. When the unfairness train picks me up and goes on its merry, winding, ride, I wonder how I am such a fucking push over and I just let all this shit happen. I wonder how I can just merrily keep going and keep going and keep going…I just get on with things. I wonder why I don’t kick up more of a fuss and yell from the rooftops that I can’t take this shit anymore. Or even just yell from the rooftops about this shit, more. I once apologised to my therapist for moaning, saying “I don’t normally do that”. She replied, “I think that’s part of the problem”. In these waves of unfairness, or spells sat in first class of my very own unfairness train, I suddenly get a massive pang of resentment, frustration, anger and bitterness, about how little I have moaned in my life. How little I have sat around and wined. How little I have made a massive fucking fuss. I just tried to transition from a-truck-load-of-childhood-and-adult-shit, to super smooth and calm with it all. Turns out you need the messy phase in the middle – the one I’d been trying to avoid. And the one that I’m now so elegantly in.
I rarely rarely rarely lie around feeling sorry for myself in that way, but this last few days I’ve felt like I have every flippin’ reason too. Virus, Labrynthitis, vertigo, prolapsed fucking disc…all utter discomfort, increasing with worse-ness, with the disc sitting right at the top of the charts. The disc bringing a pain that I think should be illegal. It should be banned from the pain charts and replaced with soft and fluffy cotton wool. Or at least a pain that doesn’t leave you feeling as though you’re dying.
Today I was told a useful thing. Life isn’t fair but it isn’t unfair. I’ve decided it’s healthy that I feel this anger, this rage. But, like I was also told today – I think naturally, when something is unfair there is something to blame, someone to blame. But when it’s just LIFE, there is no-fucking-one to hand over this rage to and yell at…it’s just LIFE. That makes me so mad when i think that, and a kinda unsatisfactory yet actually, in the grand scheme of things, really healthy, kinda mad. I want to blame myself – I so desperately want to, and I have done my fair share the last few days – but actually, after hearing these things today, I realise that this little (LARGE) self belief that all this unfairness and shit happens because it’s my fault, because it’s something I’ve done…is truly a load of bollocks. The voice inside me that knows this, seems so quiet and small and faint – the knowing that it’s not my fault, that I haven’t done anything wrong – but is is there.
She, after all, can only grow. And the unfairness train can only rattle and rage on through when it needs, provided it doesn’t take my self worth with it.