My body feels like a centre of landmines constantly exploding,
Or waiting there to be stepped on – awakened for no apparent reason.
They charge, they burst,
They leave with an unquenchable thirst.
A thirst for health,
A thirst for comfort,
A thirst for anything that isn’t living hell.
I think I’m normal and I slightly overeat –
I indulge in a meal and have a healthy beautiful treat,
Friends stuff their mouths full and I do too,
But then the night that follows I sleep at midnight and am awake by two.
I forget I’m not normal,
I’m not like all the rest.
I’m a sensitive soul
Who is doing her best.
But when the best contains occasional lightness, and freedom and fun,
What follows is a desperate longing for everything to just be numb –
To be without all the discomfort and burning that follows
To be with a wish to just be healthy and be able to be strong
To do things spontaneously and not end up a night without sleep,
To know that someone is there and listening when I weep.
To be able to know that I’m not going to explode,
To know I can be free and not pay with a heavy, aching, load.
Into every fucking area
Of my body’s tide.
And comes to,
Eventually leaving me feeling,
As normal as you.