After writing that post just now, I realise that there is one thing that I can’t seem to shift, when I’m lying here face first with the flu. All this compassion is newly here, and an ability to really parent my needs and my pain…but there’s something that seems to become ON FIRE in these moments….and it’s SO fucking painful. And, it’s in the moments when actually I just need to be resting, need to be taking time out but it’s just that that’s the theme of my fucking life at the moment – TIME-freakin’-OUT – so I feel like this thing that bursts from the floodgates of my soul, doesn’t know when to pipe down and when to pipe up. When to charge me full of inspiration and drive, and when to leave the adrenaline out of it and let me sleep.
This thing? It’s a desire to LIVE. A desire to Really Fucking Thrive…to do all the things I dream of and want to do. Recently I’ve found this newfound passion, desire, urge, and burst of creativity, inspiration and love. And I feel like I can’t fucking do anything with it. A lot of the time though, that’s fine because I’ve been lying in bed, resting my back, allowing my back to heal, and trusting that all this wisdom I’m reading, soaking up, discovering, is seeping in and will one day be used or is simply just building me up and building my wisdom and my resources, just for me.
But it’s so indescribably painful, when this passion and desire to LIVE is here, bursting from the floodgates, only to be greeted with a smack in the face by exhaustion, or a bug, or overwhelm, or a virus, or a slipped fucking disc. Not being funny, but right now I notice I’m moaning a lot…I notice that inside I feel a lot of beauty, and appreciation for the world, but on the outside, I notice that the words coming out of my mouth don’t match the words that are spinning within. Or maybe they do, maybe the words spilling out are the words that most need to be shared.
I think in these days that I’m floored from exhaustion and overwhelm and flu, it’s knowing what’s caused it is what is heartbreaking. In some ways, not knowing might be easier. Or actually, scrap that, no it wouldn’t. I had so many years of that and I’m fucking OVER it. I know that the reason I got ill today/yesterday/the day before, is because on Sunday I got on the train to a little village twenty minutes away and lay on a bench by the river for an hour and fifteen minutes. Only thing here is that I got totes soaked by the rain. This is something that I could not have been happier doing. I was in my element. I had a sneaky suspicion that a local lady thought I was nuts when she walked past with her dog, but I was so happy. I was resting my back and I was soaking up nature – ALL I WANT AT THE MOMENT.
The thing is though, that I am just seeing my body in a new light. I’ve known for a while that it’s sensitive, but I’ve never really known what that means. But now I am seeing this more and more, and seeing it’s a guideline to everything that I realise I need. I need the utmost nurturance and gentleness and compassion. From myself. I think I needed that hour getting soaked on the bench, because it made me feel human but slowly perhaps I’ll continue to learn that it’s not actually worth it. Or that I can do it in moderation. I am STILL fucking learning about moderation, and the level of moderation feels like it’s continuing to get more and more ridiculous. But, it is what it is and what it is, is pretty fucking sensitive.
I had a really intense EMDR session on saturday, and I cleared a big load of shit. But I had a feeling during the session that I was doing a bit too much. The amount of energy used to reprogram your brain after the session, is mega. I am completely exhausted. Like, beyond exhausted no words can describe. I experienced that to the extreme on saturday and sunday, but within this was a desperate urge for nature and healing…and this felt something I HAD to listen to. Hence the bench by the river. And, the few hours spent lying on the rooftop of the house I’m staying at, reading my book and dozing. But in these moments, I got cold and I think it’s just too much. My bod was in extreme exhaustion, working a 40 hour week trying to reprogram my brain, so getting cold by the river, under an hours worth of rain drops, getting cold feet lying on the roof and allowing my body to properly get chilled on various occasions over those two days, meant on Monday I began to get ill.
Ugh… I think this adds to this desire to thrive, because I just want to thrive the way I want to thrive. I want to thrive and not have to worry about measuring out my energy, or measuring out my allocated limits. I just want to live, thrive, and that’s that. But I can’t. And it fucking sucks. I try so hard to pretend it doesn’t, or that isn’t what I have to do, but realistically I feel like I am getting a grip on the fact that is the way it is. I have been doing that for a long time now, this journey of learning and healing, and allowing for, just never stops though, it seems.
For ages I’ve struggled to see just me and my health as an investment enough, to make whatever it is I’m doing, worthwhile. The hours spent resting, or reading, or eating, or sleeping, or writing, I’ve found I have to know they are for someone, for something. Not just for me. They’re for when I’m a therapist and I can help people. They’re for when I’m a speaker and I am educating, informing, inspiring people with my story. But recently it’s changed. Recently I am beginning to realise that simply just Me and my Health is worth all this investment…whatever follows alongside that is a bonus. It’s so hard, and it’s so painful, and I wish I could just be out there DOING, but the fact that this desire and this urge is even here, feels healing to me, because this last year and a half I’ve felt in recovery. I’ve felt like I have been recovering and in a bubble of protection, survival and nurturance of myself…the outside world has been somewhat on standby. But suddenly recently it’s like I’ve been flung into life Full Force. It’s been fucking shit and weird and COMPLETELY chaotic, but what’s come from it is a real sense of Life. A real sense of a desire to thrive…
I just then get hit up, face to face, with this little thing called HEALTH.
Today I was going to go to an outdoor pool with a friend at lunchtime, because all I’ve been craving is water…I’m not sure I will though, despite it being a body longing. These are the days I just want someone to tell me what to do. I just want someone to coach me and guide me and tell me what’s too much and what’s ‘too little’. And then I remember, that someone is me. There’s a resistance to nurturing, to really truly listening…but then I realise that I am human, and to truly want to care for yourself for every minute of every day would be superhuman. A little bit of rebellion and self neglect, in the gentlest of ways, is only human too. I hope.