Being afraid of your Bad Ass

Recently I’ve been feeling pretty fucking bad ass. Like so bad ass I’ve felt like I don’t need people, I don’t need shoes, I don’t need a house (this has proved tricky seeing as I’m house hunting at the moment), I don’t even need food – I just need ME. I’ve felt so full of bad-ass-ity that I’ve not known what to do with it. Sometimes I’ve stood on the rooftop and done my yoga feeling as powerful as the whole world. I’ve breathed out fire and felt strength within me that stuck me to the Earth’s core. I’ve felt elated with connection and compassion for myself and the world, combined with a total independence that’s felt free and fucking beautiful. But other times – and this has often seemed to be my favoured option – I’ve stuffed the bad ass right back down into my belly. So deep that I gave myself indigestion…I’m just fucking scared.

Being bad ass is exhausting. Being bad ass is seemingly isolating. Being bad ass means you don’t feel like you need anyone and, well, that’s just fucking scary. Especially as someone who has always needed people. But being bad ass is fucking cool. It’s where it’s at. It brings a freedom and a confidence that I haven’t ever found anywhere else. It makes you feel like you can do anything, and it makes you feel as though you can nail all the dreams you’ve got, had, and are currently discovering.

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At this time in my life, I think being and feeling bad ass is pretty blood important. And of course at any other time of any other life too, but right now it just feels like the kick up my fearful, traumatised, teary ass that I’ve been swimming with the last two years. As I step into my power, and as I am continuing to dive deeper into myself and discover avenues I have never been to before, this bad ass is a mighty useful tool. And I think it’s been brewing for a long time now. I believe we all have it there beneath whatever other ‘ass’ is at the forefront though…it’s just getting to know it, getting to love it, getting to know that being bad ass is safe, that you can be bad ass and still have friends.

And most of all, getting to know how you can get your bad ass to truly shine. Let’s hope I continue to do that, and quit giving myself indigestion.

 

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