“I think the most important question facing humanity is, ‘Is the universe a friendly place?’ This is the first and most basic question all people must answer for themselves.
I suddenly read the phrase “a friendly universe” yesterday, when scouring the internet for interesting schizz, and then today I found this piece above, and it hit me flat in the face – I literally had to think about whether or not the universe is friendly. Like, properly sit there and consider it…and then I realised that with all the fucking shit that’s been happening lately, I feel in a bubble of protection from all things outside myself. Sometimes I come out of this and connect with ‘the bigger picture’ – in whatever way that might be – but a lot of the rest of the time at the moment, I haven’t really given The Universe a proper faithful focus that she’s on my side because it has NOT felt like it (but that isn’t to say she isn’t. At. All). I’ve felt so on a roll of things going shit, that I just kinda gave up looking outside of this and thinking that maybe actually the universe is faithfully on my side. She’s the cheerleader of my inner team.
Lately I’ve been feeling like a stranger in my own body and mind – SO. Freakin. Much. (Like so much it’s horrible.) And this was another of those moments… I know the universe is on my side, I know that she’s friendly, I have spent years reading and discovering all of this, but I’d just forgotten it. And have to re-learn it again. Or maybe, I just reached a new level of learning…I think this is what life is, after all? A constant research project. Every day is a day at school. And every day you are learning more. Every day there is something new, and something new that you need. I notice that I get to grips with one thing and then it’s done, finished, over and I need to learn a new something to get me through the next time new place where I need to discover a new angle of something that I hadn’t got to before.
I feel like when things are feeling so mightily out of your control, so beyond shit you never would have imagined it to be this way, or just when your life is in a place that “it was NOT supposed to be”, thinking the universe is a friendly place is like trying to eat cheese when you’re lactose intolerant. It just doesn’t fucking work, and is the LAST thing you want to do. Or, sometimes it’s the thing you CRAVE to be able to do but know what’ll come when you do…a sense of safety. And for those with PTSD (and lots of other people too), feeling safe is like one of the most insane concepts, ever. This is the thing, see…I have been afraid to connect. I’ve been afraid to think she’s friendly and to really trust she’s looking out for me. It’s not like I haven’t thought about it, but the idea of stepping out of myself and trusting in something bigger just freaked the fuck out of me because I tried that and then all this shit happened, so surely it doesn’t work, right? (Wrong…I think). My comfort zone, when things are shitty, is to believe the ball is in my court and I ain’t handing the bat over to anyone else, thank you. Especially not The Universe (fucking hippies) 😉
Speaking of cheese, I actually did this once – ate cheese despite being lactose intolerant. I sat in my car, fresh out of the supermarket (I hadn’t even made it out of the car park). That day I had decided that my food intolerances were ‘all in my head’, so I went in and bought a door stop of Brie. I sat there and ate THE WHOLE THING. (Side note – most people, with lactose sensitivities or not, would get sick from eating an entire triangle of brie but that’s beside the point.) Surprisingly enough, it turns out my lactose sensitivity wasn’t all in my head – it was in my body. And my body certainly had something to say about what went down. I haven’t eaten brie since.
The moral of this story is not to eat cheese when you’re intolerant to it, but instead to contemplate other ways of thinking when you notice you’ve accidentally – or purposefully – taken up new roads of thinking. For protection, or out of fear or disbelief about the fact things could be any different. It baffles me how I am constantly, constantly, evolving and discovering new things or new way of doing things or thinking about things, that I never knew before.
It baffles me how much I have to learn about life. Sometimes it overwhelms and I just want to hide underneath my duvet, but most of the time, it excites. Life is just like one mega bender of a dissertation project.