The hypervigilance that follows an attempt

How can you trust decisions and the path you’re headed down, when you didn’t notice that an overdose was gonna happen? How did i not catch myself before it did? How can i know that where i’m taking myself isn’t back down that route? How can I trust that

I have all these wonderings, worries and questions, but inside I also have this new faith…this new part of me that really knows and has a vision of me continuing to come out of the ashes, into the fire and then out the other side. I feel like the overdose was my ashes of the life I knew before. Due to the nature of doing something like that, I woke up to a fire – a fire of trauma, a fire of physical and emotional love. But also a fire of love. And i that the latter was definitely a fire I needed to experience – to be in.

Within these fires – the anxiety and the processing – that continue to spread like wild things, or simply just ignite and then stay here, slowly burning – the destruction and the healing seemingly unseen – it’s hard to keep perspective, keep it real, and see what’s really happening. But the more I find what brings me the water I so desperately need, to cool and to calm the fire inside and around, I see that I’m just on a motherfucking massive journey and I am healing. It often might not look like it, but when I open my eyes to see – when I’ve found my water and swum in it – the clarity that it brings is huge.

All the story and the tell-tales of my critic, aren’t true. They’re fear and they’re warning me of potential danger, but they’re not true. And they’re not valid anymore. They’re just here to be healed, or here to go unseen. To be left within and beneath the fire, to flail around and go unmet so I can continue to find the strength that I know I have inside – away from the stories and the lies my mind so easily gives itself.

In my heart I know the truth, and in my heart I see my future…my mind just is healing scars, and it causes me to believe them as truth and something that is real and will be here forever. Within my heart, I also know…this is just the definition of ptsd…it’s hypervigilance, it’s fear, it’s anxiety, it’s trauma. It’s not me.

That’s when I know I’m safe. That’s when I know it won’t happen again.

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