Yesterday during a session with my therapist, the therapist that was there when I attempted, we touched on the beauty and the philosophy of my – and a – suicide attempt. It was towards the end of my session and it was only brief, but that five minutes felt like it was one of the nuggets of conversation that will change my life. I’m having a lot of that at the moment.
But the thing that blew me away was the idea that it was a one time thing, it was an event that won’t happen again. I know I’ve said this before, and I even typed it yesterday but the conversation still only just feels like its seeping in, and it very much feels like the beginning of it. It was, and is, the idea that it happened as a culmination of all that I was holding through my childhood, teenage years and early adult years until that point. That concept just blows my mind, and yet I know it is true. Like, the idea that it was something that perhaps was going to happen some day and I managed to create an environment and care for myself whilst all the shit surfaced, in the ‘run up’ to it…by seeking a therapist, creating a nugget of family out there where I was, establishing some form of security and stability even though I was living abroad. My innate ability to survive, and thrive whatever my circumstances, was in tact.
My therapist has often said, what would’ve have happened had she not been there? What would have happened if it hadn’t have happened then? Just the idea makes me feel sick because I think a part of me knows that it probably, or perhaps definitely, would’ve happened whether I had been in the position I was in or not.
The rebel in me wants to yell and scream and say that’s not possible, that’s not true, that’s a load of bollocks – it wouldn’t have happened. It was someone’s fault. It was either her fault or mine. It can’t just be life. That theory fucking sucks. I don’t have anyone to yell and scream at that way. Bollocks .
But the inner healer in me knows that this is true, and that it was ‘just’ life. And, she also knows that this rage and anger and fire from my inner teen is here to be heard and healed, and to fire me through this healing process. It’s just it sometimes gives me indigestion or a headache too.