Being supported

I’ve got this theory about support. It’s that, the more you have, the more safe you feel. And the more safe you feel, the more you feel it safe to take leaps, to take risks, to jump out onto paths you have no idea where they are headed, because you know that if anything goes wrong – or if anything goes right – you are unconditionally supported. There are people there to catch you if you fall and get celebrate with you if you succeed. Or celebrate with you if you fall, too. And also, the more safe you feel to be more yourself…to be more authentically you. By knowing you have people there whatever you’re doing and whatever/whoever you’re being, I feel like you can more easily embrace showing the world the whole of you.

Either way, I feel like I am constantly noticing insights into the impact of support. The magic in feeling supported. I watch friends who are part of a group here that I am not so sure about but am fully keen on the community element and the way the support structure runs throughout the group/worldwide movement. I watch as their lives blossom, and I believe a big big part of it is the fact that they all feel, believe and know – and are – unconditionally supported. In SO many ways. There is a network to support physical needs and a network and learning/supportive resources to support emotional needs.

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I feel terrified of feeling completely supported. I feel totally paralysed – literally – with fear of being/feeling held and able to go it alone. Part of me/half of me wants it – desperately wants it. The sense of community. The sense of someone having my back if something went wrong. The feeling of unconditional acceptance and support. The feeling of people to share just daily life stuff, puzzles and problems or ideas for the future. Or simply just discussions. But another part of me/half of me is completely fucking terrified about this idea, and swimming in a sense of being undeserving. Swimming in a sense that I don’t deserve to have someone have my back. That I don’t deserve someone to be helping me and holding me and looking out for me.

The truth is though, that I wonder whether it is something that I can only feel is true or feel is happening or in place – me being supported – when I begin to let it and know it is safe. Like, it is actually there but I just cannot see it, and it certainly is not there in as many ways as I would like, or need. As I begin to love myself, deeply, unconditionally, and no matter fucking what. Perhaps as I stop abandoning myself, I will start knowing support. I feel like I’m on my way. I definitely am. I am on my path to a place of compassion and gentleness and love, I just get mega washes of chaos and self hating mayhem that charge on through amongst it too. This transition phase feels like a motherfucker. The old fighting the new is a recipe for frustration and terror, and a desire to just skulk backwards.

This theory of support has really stuck with my lately. Maybe it’s something that can only be felt when we truly love ourselves, and the feeling totally unsupported feeling is something that even people with fucking LOADS of support feel, sometimes… I think this is true, but I also think that it’s a bit of both. And it depends on the person we are. Like, I know I am a people person, so I know I need people. Others might feel supported but only have a few people around them. But maybe people with noone, and no support, can still feel supported? Maybe they use the earth, religion, spirituality…something/someone? See, there is still someone.

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I don’t believe that anyone is ever completely alone, even if they seem it from the outside or the inside. There is always someone supporting them…even if it is religious figure or an imaginary friend. There is always someone. But maybe to be able to feel this someone – or lots of someones – we have to love ourselves deeply and unconditionally. It’s funny because the more I write this, the more I wonder whether actually a lot of this is about self-love. It always comes down to that pretty little motherfucker. And also, even someone who loves themselves unconditionally, must have times when they feel unsupported and abandoned…I just feel like it’s the human experience…surely?

There are different types of support. There’s the support you give yourself, and then the support others give you. Perhaps there is a checklist of all the ways you need to be supported, and it varies throughout your life, what boxes you can tick and what boxes you need others to tick. Perhaps at different phases in your life, the boxes flip over and change and suddenly you are met with a new part of the human check list that you can support, and a new part that you need others too.

More about this later.

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