Yesterday I started filming for a doco I’m in about ptsd. It’s a doco about me. Writing that feels slightly terrifying. Yesterday was the first meet up with James who’s filming it. We met up a couple of weeks ago to discuss what we’re gonna do, and had initially met a year and a bit ago, but I had been too nervous and it just hasn’t felt right, to begin yet. So now we have, because now it did feel right. Nervy but right.
It feels weird. The two times we’ve met I couldn’t work out what was going on, but it felt like a trauma reaction the whole time we were together, yet I sorta fought on, trying to keep my enthusiasm noticeable and my desire to be part of it, noticeable too – because it is SO very there. This kinda reaction though, makes sense. It’s a vulnerable project, one where I’ll bare my soul in a way I haven’t done so before, and so of course I’m going to be triggered and a bit on the edge of traumatised, because its touching in on things I’m afraid of speaking as truth. Afraid of touching in with as truth. But then I realised, maybe I don’t need to. Maybe I only need to say what’s comfortable. I always think things need to be hard, but they don’t. Things can feel soothing, and safe, and calm.
It’s weird, the whole ptsd thing. I think I feel really able to write about it and then loosely talk about it, but specifically talking about the symptoms feels terrifying. It feels too much because when I do, it makes me realise just how hard it’s been. And how…I wanna say bad but I don’t like that word, so I won’t, ish!
I feel like I need to become clearer and gain more clarity on why I’m doing it and what I want to say. He’s said that from the beginning – the last time we met – and I have made long lists of notes and inner thoughts, about what I want to say and what I want my angle to be. It’s about my journey with ptsd and so a big part of what I drifted to wanting to say, is about my experience with the effects of it in my body and emotions, but I think that’s scared me. The desire to talk about post traumatic growth, inspires me and brings me hope, and makes me want to do more, say more and be in it more…so I think I need to go with that. The other stuff feels too tender. Of course it’ll probably be touched on, but I can do it with my cartoons. I can tread carefully and gently and in ways I feel comfortable. I want to tell about it, but I also feel so fragile about it. It feels like the utmost vulnerability, and perhaps a vulnerability I don’t feel safe enough to experience yet. Whereas the healing process I am totes up for. That feels positive – sharing my experience of how I’ve gotten through it and am continuing to. That doesn’t feel scary, that just feels exciting.
So maybe I should go with that…
And the ‘why’ of why I’m doing it? For that reason – to tell my story, but I’m also doing it for me. I’m doing to honour the journey I’ve been on, and the place I am now because of this journey. To honour all that I’ve been through and learnt, but without necessarily going into details – I know the messy, painful, bits, and so do others I’ve told my story to.
In the past I would have just done this for others, but the healing in this is that I feel like I’m doing it for myself, mainly. With then the hope to help others, inspire them, and let them know things can get better. But I do think that feels all a little fresh and all a little scary, because to be honest, it feels like the worst bit is only just ‘over’. It feels like yesterday, and yesterday feels too fresh and painful and raw to make a film about. One day. But for now, I want to talk about the growth and what got me here, to this place of being able to talk.
I think that’s it. To work out priorities feels so important and I am glad I have, it i also feel like I could continue. And perhaps I will as I grow with the doco. I am guessing I will. I always have done – I think that’s how life works!
This little guy flew somehow ended up in our house yesterday thanks to the hunting cat. It spent an hour or so in our kitchen, the RSPCA came, and then it flew off. I felt an overwhelm of responsibility for the guy – so much so, I couldn’t really handle it…I felt triggered by a bird needing me! As much as I wanna say ‘how weird?!’…it makes total sense. Still though, was a weird – and sad to be so effected – experience! It was kinda special too.