So. Today is the first of firsts. I always read people’s blogs longing to post up about daily happenings and things I get up to. Instead I seem to just spill out the emotional ‘life’ stuff. But sometimes I just get bored of that cafuffle and want to share the little things. But I never quite know how…I don’t really know whether people will want to read it! But then I remembered the little vow I made to myself not long ago. It basically went along the lines of: try to start not giving a shit.
In a nice way.
So, here I am. Not giving a shit. ; )
Today has been so nice. It began with a bit of a lie-in – 9AM. Get in. Lately that has not been heard of. Not because I’ve had a crazy busy jam packed schedule. Nope. Just because my eyes have sprung awake at 7.30, or 7.32 on the dot every day this past week. It’s nice. I’ve been missing the days where mornings were my favourite time. It seems to be getting back to that way. And that’s a score.
Due to the rain, rain, rain that’s been falling from the sky, the allotment I was supposed to be starting work on and getting the keys for, was called off. So I was left a bit discombobulated. But then, thank the lord: I finally finished unpacking. It’s been over two weeks and I still hadn’t emptied all my bags into my new room. I think I just about have, apart from the few bags of crap shoved at the bottom of the wardrobe. They can hang out there for a bit. I don’t think I even have properly unpacked my rucksack from when I returned from California at the end of April…oops.
Made some quote and picture filled frames. A few quid from Ikea and a lot of nice memories – a nice mix for the walls.
I couldn’t help but notice myself really looking forward to being a housewife, or should I say, homekeeper. Mother. Girlfriend. Wife. Whatever it may be – I just think I am slowly really looking forward to gathering all my stuff together and making a home nice. One that I know is my own. That commitment bit gives me the heebyjeeby’s, due to the fact me and my itchy travelling feet have never lived in a room/house for longer than 8 months at a time…woah. I hadn’t ever typed that out before. But hey, that’s what being in your early twenties and late teens is about, right? Right.
I then went about editing some photographs from a wedding I worked at back in June. I rationed myself to twenty five minutes of editing. I have been feeling so overwhelmed by it, I couldn’t face it. Here’s a touch of comedy from the pack:
Some friends from Wales were in town, so I biked down the road to a cool spot I’d not been before. It was lovely. A fellow playing guitar, some cosy folk, a fantastic mezze platter…and my friends. Recently I’ve been really enjoying spending time on my own – away from friends. It’s weird. I feel like, in the cheesiest of most cheesy ways, the past couple of weeks I’ve been getting to know myself. Hehe. How Californian sounding of me. But it’s true. But I have been just so missing good solid easy-to-be-with and fun friends. They all live back in Wales. I need to find me some here. My friends here are friends with history, y’know? And that is amazing but because of the intensity of the past few months, I am really feeling that need for friends without that history. And just a history of ease. Right now I am feeling a weirdness and disconnection between me and my friends here. I have needed so much from them the past few months, and I guess I am somewhere inside, ashamed of that, embarrassed and wishing it hadn’t been so. And so I naturally lean towards taking myself away for a bit. But instead of that natural instinct being there in its sole being, I think I am also moving on slightly to new pastures – pastures with folk I feel more at ease with. But I really hope that doesn’t mean goodbye to these friends too. I think not.
Back to the mezze’s. We ate heaps and just caught up and it was lush. We then went outside for a cigarette, which I had been longing for for a month – I have this down to many episodes of Californication – he just makes smoking look so darn nice. But after two drags and me developing a slight swagger down the street, I passed the butt on. I remembered it’s not so nice after all. I phoned my friend in California for a catch up, which was wonderful. And then I biked home through the pouring rain and felt happy and ALIVE. And now I sit under the covers feeling ill, but accomplished and peaceful.
While I’m at it, I’m going to type about yesterday too. Because it was real nice too. The night before I switched medications to just taking one whole 50mg at night rather than 25mg in the eve and morn. And I think…I HOPE….I’ve hit jackpot. I really really hope. Maybe that’s why I want to start blogging full pelt, because I have a little inkling – a little candle of hope flickering inside, that this may just be the road upwards. I really really hope so. When I wonder whether it is, or wonder whether it’s not, I bring myself back to now. And now is going really well, so that is something to celebrate about. That seems to be getting stronger – that ability to live in the moment. And that’s such a relief. And it feels like an ever-growing gift. Mindfulness, I think, is right there in the grasp of my hand now – not just floating at my fingertips.
Since working a lot the past couple of weeks in a garden, back to my growing roots, I’ve been really finding the connection to the earth SO grounding. In all the mayhem of new medications, new homes, new beginnings, I have felt it really hard to connect to myself. And so every time I put my hands in the soil, to pull out a weed or plant a bulb, I have been really feeling that connection to something greater than myself. As cheesy as it sounds, it really is true – it works. Like wonder. Just to hold that connection to the world and the planet we live on, in my eyes, is one of the most healing things we can do. It offers a sense that you’re not alone, that there are so many other people and animals and creatures and plants in it with you – together. It offers a sense of support and holding, which at times of struggle (and any time in life) is essential to feeling safe and protected. And so, enough of the tree hugging talk: I did a little doodle to explain it in a wee nutshell.
Back to yesterday. There’s not much more to say, apart from that I overcame two of my biggest fears…actually, hang on: THREE of them. Things that I have been just so overwhelmed and anxiety ridden at the thought of doing, I did yesterday with full swagger. I walked an hour and a half, with snippets of skateboarding inbetweeen, across the bustling city along a route I didn’t know, for a cranial sacral appointment. Something that just last week would have left my in stress hives. I then pottered slowly back, popping in and out of a couple of charity shops. Stopping in a healthfood store to buy some supplies. Both of these, but especially the latter would have left me crippled with overwhelm, stress and fear. I then did what I woke up wanting to do: sat in the afternoon autumn sun outside a cafe. It was so tasty with triumph, it was delicious.
Overcoming anxiety jackpot has been hit. And it felt so nutritious, I can’t even explain. And that’s not to even start on today or the day before yesterday. Here it is in a little nutshell: I biked, I got on my beautiful bike and rode around the park; I sat on the bench for fifteen minutes, just being with the moment and it felt flippin glorious; I walked to the shops and dove right into Poundland (the most bustling store of all where I live) and got what I needed without feeling like I was going to pass out or trip over the Everest sized mountain of anxiety rushing all over my body; I went for an early morning swim at the pool, involving a confident stroll through the dodgy neighbourhood; I walked across the same dodgy neighbourhood at night, to the pharmacy, but this before would have been the biggest NO GO of all; I cooked myself the tastiest breakfast and lunch today and yesterday….the list could go on.
Song of the weekend, that’s been on repeat 1,342 times:
How was your weekend?