Just in the recent month or so, I have begun to see my hypervigilence is beginning to soften and fall away. It developed itself from a coping mechanism – a strategy I had to develop to get through my childhood and teenage years. But it has no place here anymore. All those hours, days, of replaying what happened, worrying I said the wrong thing or that I was wrong. Or the constant hyper alert of every single word I said, way I was that first became present as a way to survive my mother and even then it wouldn’t get me any place closer to peace, but it became a project – to carefully place my words or actions in a way that would not cause uproar. But again, that never happened. The uproar happened whatever the weather – whatever the words. Perhaps my carefully placed words just felt like I was doing all I could to help. And even then it wasn’t enough.
But from it being something I had to do to survive and cope with daily life, it then transferred into my external life. My life away from home. With friends, and then work. From the moment it became something I learnt how to do (I can’t even remember that day so it must have begun at a pretty young and innocent age) and it became something that has stuck with me in all its strength, for all my days. Being so aware of everything I say, and everything I do. This has got me where I am, right? So surely without it, I won’t get anywhere – I won’t have any friends? I’ll annoy people, I’ll not get all the amazing synchronicity happen to me that I seem to be so blessed with…right?
With all the past cafuffle, I see that actually this hypervigilence has no place here anymore. It is simply tiring, anxiety making and worry provoking. It takes you away from yourself and the shine that you glow, and hold. It is a scary flippin thing though – to watch and feel that over-awareness begin to fall away. Now I am not overanalysing a bit of time I spend with a friend, and am not over thinking what I say with whatever company I am with. I am beginning to just be who i am and say what I feel. And if I don’t feel like saying anything, I don’t. I step foot in the hypervigilence zone at times, don’t get me wrong it is still very much there, but it feels more an anxiety state – a panic that I am not aware. That perhaps I am losing my mind slowly because I’m not on ALERT all the time. No, I am not losing my mind, I am simply losing a coping strategy that has got me this far but I can say farewell to it now. And that feels so exciting. But scary as hell. So I think I might just keep it by my side for a little while and not dump it in the trash can just yet. Maybe after another few months of being doing and saying what I feel, and my friends are still there, I am still doing cool things…and I have not lost my mind 😉 maybe then I can fully say farewell to this puppy.
Also, I cannot wait for the days to use the hypervigilence, awareness and sensitivity again in a healthy way as a ecotherapist, with people who can benefit from it and my working skills I build up and learn, can benefit from it too. (It’s not a wasted tool, even though it may be unhelpful now). This is my dream after all.
Here’s a little scribble about this I did over my afternoon coffee.
Are there ways you feel you are hypervigilent in your life that perhaps you could give yourself a break in? ☀